I feel remarkably blessed to be alive. In August 2009 I had the great fortune of having a hysterectomy. Isn’t it fascinating to think that even ten years ago, women in general would not have openly talked about this procedure? I probably wouldn’t have either back then, so I feel doubly delighted to do so now with great ease. My specialist recommended the procedure for me back in 2005. Being the stubborn iron woman that I was then, I scoffed and took myself off to try every alternative healing modality I ‘had time’ for in my extremely busy life… In amongst a number of things, I tried accupuncture, herbs, yoga, iridology, meditation, guided visualisation, homeopathy, bush flower essence, detox, exercise, reiki. I finally returned to traditional medicine in late 2008 after my body went into total shutdown. Having to be carried into Accident & Emergency with absolutely no bodily control was NO fun… I agreed that it was time for me to reconsider being the ‘queen of complimentary therapy’ and undertook 12 months of medication before I finally signed up to become a ‘hyster sister’.
In my infinite wisdom, I also decided that I needed to quit my fast paced ‘busy brain syndrome’ world of work and reignite my consultancy. I have always loved motivating and teaching people so I decided to add another tag to my titles (they were important back then) and enrolled in a coaching course. I casually (on a wing and a prayer) put plans into place to resign from my job on 15 August, have surgery 21 August and have my business up and running by 14 September. I had no reason to think this was not possible, what with my drive and motivation and the backing of my darling, I clumsily proceeded with my plans. Several times over the next 6 months I was to hear a little voice in my head repeating that old adage “if you wanna give god a good laugh, tell her your plans”…
I’m told the hysterectomy itself was a straightforward procedure, it was the massive infection I suffered afterward that turned my life upside down and saw my well laid plans float out the window. Apparently I was in acute care for 11 days (?) ~ I was too ill to notice. I was to have five more hospital admissions over the next seven weeks. It didn’t take long for me to be on first name basis with kitchen staff, cleaners, nurses and doctors. the nutritionist and the likes. Those 8 weeks proved to be some of the most profound times of my life, for which I remain eternally grateful. I came to learned so much more than I could have ever imagined. What was supposed to be a straight forward procedure turned out to be the opposite. The biggest blessing of all was I finally allowed my vulnerabilities to be seen and be heard.
My protective shield that I had worn in many battlefields throughout my life no longer fit and I was unable to stand unsupported. In bearing my vulnerabilities, I came face to face with the depths the love of my life was to go to, in shielding me from the world I almost slipped away from. This unfamiliar experience exposed us to changes we would come to savour. During long empty spaces when all I could do was be still and turn inwards I became reacquainted with my authentic self and began to strengthen the essence of me. An expedition I had attempted many times yet never felt previously successful with, this internal long walk home became comforting, nurturing and revealing.
As I allowed anger, rage and rejection to dissolve I was confronted with my new reality. It was time to take off the cape and hand over the banner ~ ‘Superwoman has retired!’ Being in the moment of each and every day was all I could manage and was enough to focus on. Exposing my vulnerabilities was at moments horrifying, and yet at other times, liberating and most insightful. My mantra to my loved ones was “just call me Phoenix!”, darling even bought me a beautiful orchid we called Phoenix. He bought me two actually, the first one he dubbed ‘Dennis’ after Dennis the mennis and the bloody thing died! Hence the second orchid was bought ~ and obviously happy with it’s namesake and symbology ‘Phoenix’ is flowering today.
Our lives have changed enormously as a result of what some would have considered a nightmare. On the downside, our finances took a severe battering. However on the upside, we have a richer, fuller more meaningful life now. I never have suffered fools well, and now more so than ever. I have severed relationships those who do not value and understand unconditional love and only invite love and light into our world. Just like Phoenix rising up out of the ashes, I too have risen strengthened in the knowledge that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Ashes from a nearby fire softly dust my shiny new apple mac as I type and remind me that life is for the living and each moment is precious and once lived, cannot ever be relived again.
1st June 2010
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